“Oh Honey, Not Tonight”: Sex After Parenthood
April 22, 2010 · Posted in Communication, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships · Permalink

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“I’m too tired”, “We’re just too tired”, “Do we have to schedule it on our Blackberry’s”, “Who has time for sex, I need to pump”, are just some of the comments we hear from new mothers. The transition from being a couple without children to parents typically takes a pretty big toll on your sex life. Spontaneity, extra energy, tight tummies and libido may seem gone and never to return. Many couples really struggle to bring back an intimate, physically connected, satisfying sexual relationship after kids.

Sex is often hard to talk about even in the most communicative relationships. Often the subject is joked about, or argued about but not really discussed. So here are some suggestions given by women over the last two decades that have made the transition to being sexual and parents at the same time.

  • Don’t worry–this is all normal. Every couple goes through tremendous changes in their sex life after having children.
  • Don’t make assumptions about what your spouse is thinking. No one is a mind reader.
  • Talking is the best aphrodisiac. Getting close emotionally about the changes makes couples more apt to reconnect sexually.
  • It is normal to feel satisfied from the physicality with the baby and to feel less of a need or desire for sex.
  • Some lubrication is necessary be it wine or KY or both.
  • Do schedule it! It can become an exciting and fun private joke to know that Saturday nap time, or Thursday nights are your time.
  • Fake it ’til you make it. Many feel a resistance to begin having sex but once they push themselves past that point they are so happy that they did.
  • Just one night alone without the baby can have a lasting effect–so line up those grandparents or good friends and go to a hotel or just be alone in your own place.
  • Women are hard on themselves about weight gain. Don’t assume your husband feels negatively toward your body.

The added responsibilities, the physical changes, the stress that parenting brings, naturally shifts your sexual desire and changes to your pre-baby sexual frequency. Try not to focus on how it was- but more on how to make the present fulfilling for you and your partner.

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